I hope your life is going well,
I hope this year as you drive home
you’ll be thinking of your family
and all the good times you’ve had
because sometimes I still think
about those train tracks in town
and I wish I could see you
to tell you
that it’s taken me this long
to let the ice inside this stone soul
come to dropping the charges that
I’ve held against you

And it’s taken me this long
to understand that keeping these transgressions
were wreaking havoc upon my emotions 
there would’ve been no way
I could give the best of me
to someone else
It’s not that you didn’t deserve it
but that I was too involved
in lusting, back then
I mistook desire for compassion 
when I should’ve been searching
for salvation

We ended beneath cold green sheets
and the time you tried to give has been collecting dust
so instead of harboring more hate for those years
where tears kept pillows company
I wish I could tell you
That after all this time I understand
Why it’s easy living life in gray shades
but I’m done wishing pain on you
because all that’s done is stain the scars
salting them until I’m forced to cry 
but these days when I think of you
(which isn’t much)
I think of laying to rest
the wounds on my heart
the slices on my soul
the pieces of the girl who could’ve been a woman
but hasn’t gotten a chance
because cultivating independence
on a bed of bitterness only cultivates 
aggravation and extended loneliness
so this time,
I won’t put the blame on you
this time,
I’ll just forgive you

Candle light dinners and late night walks at the park
Can’t compare to the way I hold tight to my pillow
With the curtains pulled shut, I curl on my side in the dark
Missing your arms while my chest heaves me to sleep

Can’t compare to the way I hold tight to my pillow
And morning comes with cold spots in bed
Missing your arms while my chest heaves me to sleep
Coffee’s just a replacement for the warmth that I’m lacking

And morning comes with cold spots in bed
Nothing in this place reminds me of you
Coffee’s just a replacement for the warmth that I’m lacking
When you’re not here the used-to-be spaces fill up with dust

Nothing in this place reminds me of you
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
When you’re not here the used-to-be spaces fill up with dust
Saying it’s okay is another lie in the night

Instead of a cap and gown
I’m rocking knock off chucks and yoga pants
baby blue tee and messy pony tail tied high
Tonight the books are going on the shelves
collecting dust for a while cause I’ll be
Celebrating with a mug of orange juice
too sick for the proverbial drink
already dreaming of the next hurl I’ll be even prouder to jump
too jarred to remain in this old school “damn, I should’ve done this
or should’ve done that” mode
cause could’ve, should’ve, would’ve
aren’t gonna make life worthy of living
No more running
I’m done treating the past like a ghost haunting  
periods and questions at the ends of my sentences
No more thinking I’m not worthy of what I’ve struggled to accomplish
It’s thoughts like that
which kept me drowning in the same sea of emptiness
So I’m taking a chance and swimming for a change
It’s about time I update into bigger things
Like a career and not a job
Love rather than Lust
And when carnal desire steps up the game 
I’ll be prepared to push it back into its place
tell it straight
Life’s way too short to spend it playing for random kicks 
Graduating isn’t gonna keep me in bed wondering what day it is 
And God help me, I’ll find the words I need
to turn the sinner in me upside down
A light house doesn’t shine on its own
I’m over living life half-assed
A leopard can’t rearrange its spots
But a man can change his ways
So I’m not goin to sit on my butt
waiting around for the next best thing 
God bring the rain cause my hands are down
my cards are folded, I’ll graduate into happiness instead. 

 

Change sits on the hands of time 
ticking it’s head and nodding to the click of the turn
that moves one moment to another
and I find that in between the thresholds of home and the world out there
I am a creature of repetition
filling up the spaces and the gaps of millisecond to second
with coffee shots and empty journals
gazing down Barnes & Noble aisles
I am quiet. 

Seated in the center of my bed
ink pen in hand I write to keep me company
a default loved like good old fashioned apple pie
when the weather gets cold and the bumps on your arms turns into bumps in your heart because you know,
know deep down inside that the God given respirator, the pump behind your left breast is being acknowledged too much
while your brain is in a mumbled disjointed pain 
yelling with hands spread wide, white flag waving for attention
I’ve divided solely to the four chambers of vermilion constriction
action and intuition don’t seem to make their way up the blood stream the way they used to
so I look to the window
the window of a soul that is beautiful 
and if I say it long and loud enough I’ll finally believe it
that this soul is beautiful
in need of variation here and there
maybe a few teaspoons of consideration 
a new band aid or two once in awhile when old wounds feel like fresh ones
cracking open at a soft sprinkling of salt 
I am quiet.

Happy poems are hard to write
because people share pain more often these days. 

In his loneliness he looks for someone
to warm the spot next to him 
he hopes,
hopes that when the sheets are off the bed
and the shower’s singing overhead
she’ll be gone because loneliness
only needs company for so long
he’ll wait for when he hears the door click 
before placing his heart beside him
it’ll be his clothes lying alone on the carpet
and it’ll be the soft hum of the breath in his chest
lulling him into a companion-less rest. 

In her awkwardness she’ll bring her pillow close
wishing she hadn’t spoken those careless words
wondering why compassion wasn’t flowing from her lips
since it stays stuck in her mind, consolidating in her soul
and she might even cry in fear that carelessness 
and society’s inclination for fairy tale come true bullshit
would take away her chance at falling in love
the real deal is worrying too much
so she’ll get up out of bed this time
pacing the tiles in the kitchen because it’s dangerous outside
and she’ll berate herself
saying now when she’s found a man she can love
why is love hiding the words she needs to tell him
she’s listening?